she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
