I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
