It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
