We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
