nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
