He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
