Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
