so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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