I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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