i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
We don't watch enough power rangers
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
