sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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