can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize