There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
