Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
