I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
