Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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