Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
