Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Randomize
