I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
God I need to hump something, right now.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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