ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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