I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
