Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
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