my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
We left the knife in your bed.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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