i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
