Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
