Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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