He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
