so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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