Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
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