I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
