i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
