I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
