Non-Jews are for practice
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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