everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
That's how pantless uber rides happen
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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