i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
