I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
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I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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