I'd wear matching sweaters with you
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
