Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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