the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
