The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
