i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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