Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
