Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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