if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
