I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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