The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
