i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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