cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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