I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
