If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
