So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
