I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
