hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
