she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
