don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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