Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
