Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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