Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
