Please, let me fuck your mom
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
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