You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
